CBIZ: Month One.

Let's be real for three moments, cool?

I didn't start my accounting career the last two years since graduating from BYUH because I was scared that I would never have time to be happy. I wanted to just be with my husband and have babies and feel the sun on my skin while still paying for medical school and the necessities of life for however many of us there would be. While I do believe this is possible for some people to accomplish, I wasn't making the necessary steps to accomplish this because I wasn't motivated.

I saw so many others in the little blurbs of their lives that FB or Instagram allows and couldn't understand how they were leading lives without strife and worry while I was not consolable in my isolated case of vulnerability. I felt that my life had been ruined along the pathway of life that I had chosen; I made a wrong turn away from that smooth road to richness of life and ended up in a tangle of weeds I could have plucked much earlier.

After about a year and a half of skirting around the issue with Glen, it happened. The talk, which was more like a sob fest, was long and hard to confess. I didn't want to disappoint him or anyone, but mostly him. I felt like I was in a bind of expectations to become a career-driven, CPA-getting, mothering woman. I used words in between tissues and sharp breaths and got out my feelings that had been building for years (because it started much sooner than graduation). I was accusatory and defensive; he was forgiving, gentle, kind, understanding and everything I hadn't anticipated in all of my lonely squandering. He told me things like I hadn't thought of before like, "you can quit in a week if you don't like it." He gave me confidence and control over my life again. For the first time in a fairly long time I felt free.

And taking a look at the mess through new eyes, I realized what I really was doing for me was a lot of nothing. There was no progression and no ceiling that was disallowing my success. I had let my fears of unhappiness and inability engulf my desires for helping my family progress. I started interviewing and received an offer for a tax associate position for the CPA firm I had always wanted from my time at BYUH. Even with all of the pushing from professors and classmates alike to get into the big four firms, I knew it didn't jive with my work ethic; not that I couldn't handle the pressure, but that it might consume my life because I have problems saying no to superiors in some boss/employee situations. [I don't know that this would have truly happened, but I am not going to allow myself the opportunity for that to happen again.]

With the encouragement of Glen, I was able to overcome my psychological blockages and have been working in the Irvine office of CBIZ for a month, today.

I don't know how long I'll continue working during or after Glen has graduated from med school, but it doesn't really matter either. I'm grateful for my job even though traffic and studying for the CPA exam blows. I'm actually still happy and that's a huge deal.

Aloha.

The Family: Affection in Marriage

I was raised with my maternal grandparents as my guardians. All throughout my childhood, I suspected they didn't much care for each other because they never said kind words to each other or about each other -- never do I remember a time when they physically touched out of love. They slept in separate rooms, in fact.
My grandpa would go to work, come home and watch the game (whatever game was on). My grandma would yell, clean, and then yell some more. Both avid smokers and both pretty supportive of their children and grandchildren (and now, great-grandchildren).
Now, Grandma's on in-home hospice care and fighting for every breath she takes because of dumb COPD. This new down turn in her health has caused them to actually think about why they married in the first place -- love. Weird how death does that.
The other night, she was having a particularly hard time and Grandpa came in to just rub her back and hold her hand. It was the craziest thing I had ever seen. She would sit up and he would rub her back until she'd lay down and he'd hold her hand. It went on forever, or like twenty minutes.
Then a few nights later I saw Grandpa come into the living room where we were sitting and he bent down to touch her hand and say good night. All of my life, I had never seen such affection in a real marriage and especially by them. I mean, talk about PDA for them. Holding hands? Saying good night? BACK RUBS? Who are they? It was at this moment when I felt something I hadn't before either -- security. Knowing the people who raised me loved each other openly was self-assuring.
The first occurrence was weirder than cute for me, I felt like I had been transported to a different dimension. The second time though, was just perfect. Consistency, huh? I'm not sure of all the reasons for my sudden feeling of safety, but one of them was that I knew then that they could actually love. Growing up with little affection physically or verbally is teaching exclusively from the defense playbook. You block and shield your heart because if no one can ever get to it, no one can ever break it. But seeing them be affectionate and vulnerable with each other and all of this in front of others was absolutely surreal; there is no substitute for that in a marriage. Showing that you love your partner without question not only strengthens you and yours, but the lucky ones who get to witness it. I knew when he rubbed her back that he was capable of loving me; and when she didn't pull her hand away from his touch that she could love me too.

Glen and I have always been quite affectionate in private and sometimes in public. This experience with my grandparents has brought me to the absolute conclusion that the physical affection of our marriage has lasting effects not only for us personally, but can for the children we would like to raise someday.

That's all.
Aloha.

Our First Date

In honor of Disneyland's 60th anniversary (which is today if you haven't noticed all over Instagram, Facebook, network news, etc.), the first of my memory posts is at this beautiful place.

17 December 2008; Glen and me at Disneyland in front of Small World on what would be recognized as our first date. We look adorable, I know. I was eighteen and Glen, twenty-three. It was off and on rain all day which means the most magical time to be at Disneyland because others won't endure. 

Glen's mom dropped us off and his sister signed us in (free dates have always been the best). We spent all day there. I had Ritz cracker packages in my purse for snacks and we went on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride about twenty times because of the part where you drive through 'hell'; the heat was marvelous. We were soaked through to skin and dying from the cold (but we were dumb and happy -- kind of like now).

As evening was settling in, we were still getting used to the changing temperature and decided to hit main street for some hot chocolate. I hate hot chocolate. Hot drinks in general really make my head hurt, not sure why. But I was so cold and it really helped that Glen wanted some. We sat in the store on the edge of main street on the castle end, shared a cup, and played checkers on one of the store's tables with balled up pieces of the two straw covers we acquired. I can't remember now how we differentiated the two sets of pieces, oh well.We watched the fireworks and probably rode Indiana Jones three more times for good measure before heading out. 

Thinking back on that day makes me feel grateful and happy and joyful and blessed. We had a fun day together and Glen wanted to hold my hand the whole time but never summoned enough courage. Poor guy :) I wish I could go back as a bystander and watch us jump over railings, run from Thunder Mountain to Space Mountain just because, laugh, talk, take pictures of each other doing dumb things. Although, I probably wouldn't be able to see most of it because I'm such a crier now.

So, happy birthday, Disneyland -- you money-sucking, magical place, you. I'll love you forever.

Being Called to the Stake

Okay, so no one's going to tie me to a post and burn me, but my sweat might take out the flames at this point even so -- I've been asked to sing in a quartet for our Stake's conference tonight.

I received an urgent email yesterday from our ward's choir director saying that the soprano voice meant for this had suddenly fallen ill and if I could please please please fill in it'd be wonderful.

I like singing if we're being honest here. I plan on singing to every child I rear because I believe it will help me get through every day a little happier. The only part of singing I don't like is the public part; the one where there's a microphone especially makes me want to hurl. Don't misunderstand, I know that everyone will be so dear and kind about the whole thing tonight. I will receive compliments on overload because that's what Mormons do -- they lift each other and make you feel good about being you. It still makes my feet cold though (which is Mythbusters proven, so yeah).

I've been practicing with Glen because he's better at knowing notes. I just follow the girl next to me, but in this case, there's no other girl singing my part. This has got to be a mistake, amiright?! But here we are a few hours until the thing starts and I'm rumbly in my tumbly and it's not time for something sweet, Pooh... it's time for a bathroom break.

This isn't a big deal if I think about it logically. Most people don't even go to the adult session of stake conference. The men will set up all the chairs going way into the cultural hall, but we all know those are just going to be used for Sunday's session. And like I said before, everyone's going to be super nice about it.

So what is there to worry about?

Wish me luck.

...Lemme just go see that porcelain bowl one last time.

The Next Step

Fullerton Loop Trail

We're settling in to our California lives day by day. It's much different than our short vacations here over the last few years and from the lives we led previous to our life in Hawai'i. We had a ton of school and work before and now we're taking it easier than many probably think is necessary. We aren't sitting on the couch eating popcorn and cookies all day. Although that sounds pretty good in this desert heat of a week. We're still figuring out what exactly we are to be doing at this time though.

In the past, this has been a place for me to tell my Grandparents what's going in my life (through the pictures because they can't read this font size) without having to call because I'm really bad at it. I also just enjoy writing in the first place; this wasn't apparent before I began, but it has become a part of me that I'm just not willing to let go of yet. Maybe ever. So, that leaves me with a dilemma of what to do here. Continue telling my family what they already know because we're a mile apart or find something new.

What I would like to accomplish with this blog -- now that it's purpose is kind of up in the air -- is a journal of life. All of my life; not just the future. I love what my present and future are, but I'd like to keep memories that are fading with the years (dramatic much? but I'm serious, so just pretend it's okay). There will be a distinction between what is happening now, someday, and before -- but the posts will not necessarily be in chronological order mostly because I just don't remember.

I've missed writing and have been thinking of how to fill this space with something meaningful for me and my posterity and maybe others. I'm excited to begin although I don't know which year I'll start with yet. Which memory or hope for the future to divulge will probably come to light as I begin typing these next few days.

And now, I just want to say I love my husband and his support is unmatched. He believes in me and I believe in him; we're going far, us two. We just don't know where to steer quite yet.

Mormon Monday: Modern World

I've always loved children. Playing fun games and laughing at nothing. Even when I was in high school I'd still bring out the sheets, build a fort and play house with my younger cousins. So, now that my family has begun the next generation it's been awesome getting to know them. My cousin's daughter Jaydyn really likes playing with whoever she can find to boss around (me). When I'm at grandma's house, you can usually find me having a very exclusive tea party, playing hide-and-go-seek, or holding my brother's son Bronson.

On Christmas, Jay and I were sipping tea and eating heavily frosted cupcakes when she said this:

J: "Hey, I've never seen your phone...."
B: "Okay"
J: "Where is it? Can I see it?"
B: "Sure, it's in my coat on Grandma's bed."
Runs to the site and waits for me to get it out.
J: "Ooh! I like your buttons! Can I push 'em?

Glen and I both have dumb phones -- not smart phones. We love them and we love our bill even more ha. This experience with Jay made me feel a little judged and enormously flattered. I don't think she was meaning to pass on either of those, but I'm super glad she did (well, just the flattered part;)).

I realized as she pushed my buttons that she hadn't ever seen my phone because when we're playing... we're really playing. I don't need a device to keep hers or my own attention.

I'm not meaning this to be any sort of failure on any other person's way of playing with theirs or someone else's children. I just want to point out that it doesn't always have to involve those types of things. There are so many other options than scrolling through Facebook to watch other people's lives be so much better than yours in one picture. You do know they're doing the exact same thing and only post when something extravagant happens, right? We feed off of each other like parasites. Oh, Chris went to a party last night... let's do something fun and take pictures too! It's all about the selfie. Post it to instagram or it never happened. I need a pick-me-up, so let me just perk my boobs up and take a selfie for instagram so people I don't actually respect will tell me I'm hot. Yeah, that feeling is going to last.

Call me old-fashioned for actually being with people when I'm with them, I guess, but isn't that how it ought to be? Scrolling through those things takes away from your happiness because life can't be fully captured in a picture or 1,200 -- there will always be something you don't see in them. So, don't assume that other people are so much more happy/exciting/adventurous/pretty/whatever than you. We all chip our nail polish and have Top Ramen sometimes. Go and chip your nail polish and eat Top Ramen because you're actually doing things you love and don't have time to worry about it.

Mormon Monday: Through Another Lens

 Most often we see ourselves in the stark morning light creeping in through just peeled open eyes. We may not be just waking up, it might be just after hours of prepping, cinching, covering, labeling, stuffing, preening. It doesn't matter what season it is in your day, the unforgiving morning light shining from our eyes and the tired glare of looking at the same flawed features is always on; there will always be something to worry over and try to mask.
It's funny then how photographers can capture our "best" qualities in a single half hour shoot or how others can look at those same features we stress over and confess their lust for them. How can strangers see what we cannot? Why must we look at the bad over the good? Why must our bodies be guilty before proven innocent in our own eyes? It is equally mystifying and infallible.
Think to how you are with the ones you love most dearly; there are times when there is no getting past your grumpiness... but only with them. If someone pops in for a visit or calls unexpectedly, in that same instant you transform from an impenetrable grump to the friend filled with kind words and laughter. Weird how most of the time our best selves are saved for those we have least invested in. And how true this is within our own minds and especially within the poorly-lit bathroom mirrors of our homes.
But, as I mentioned, those preconceived flaws of body and person seen through the lens of another become beauty and lust and perfection and magic. Looking through the eyes of others will in every way make us better because whether it be praise or criticism, they can make you stronger. Let those words affect you as much as you want them to because you have control over it. Putting stock into what others say can be good and bad, but controlling how much goes in is up to the cook. Make your soup or casserole or bacon-wrapped-unagi-roll everything you ever dreamed by believing in your ability to do it. We are our own strength, our own love, our own person; let you be you without the morning light and just peeled open eyes of yesterday. See what God sees by believing that he can see more than you; He knows what we can become and what we can become is what matters.

We spend so much time critiquing our reflections that we become confined in one state of mind. Selfishness. We lust after the vain imaginations of perfection and forget that it all fades and your left with either wrinkles from envy or laughter. And wouldn't you rather be laughing for them?

So, instead of focusing on how we see or how others see us, the Lord will have the last word. He knows you, the real one; not the fake one on the phone or in visits with friends, nor even the one in that bleak bathroom mirror. Let Him guide you by never losing yourself to the false perfection of everyone else. He is the light that lifts our eyes and minds from our selfish desires. See yourself through His eyes. He created the earth, the seas, the sunsets, the snow, the waterfalls, and you. Out of all His creations, we are the beauty He is most eager to possess and shouldn't that say more than we ever could?

Aloha Monday

High Five for Friday: Beach Week

Happy day, it's Friday! We plan to have an amazing outing tomorrow, which I'm super stoked about! We've been talking about it for a while and have just never had the time or our brakes weren't working for like a month haha. We thought we could just ride it out until the end possibly, but the car just wouldn't stop sometimes, so we decided to take lil blue in for a check up. Hundreds of dollars later, we can stop again! Success. We're missing a hubcap, but what's that in comparison?

1. Our anniversary was last week Thursday, but we didn't have much time that day to celebrate. So, this is kind of from last week, but it's a big enough occasion to merit expanding into this week's gratefulness too. We went to Ted's for Garlic Shrimp and pie, which was a really good choice. It always is. Here, I kissed my chocolate haupia cream pie and that was a really good choice too.

2. DONOVIN! We stayed with our friends on Saturday, the Richardson's. I've mentioned them a couple times before (here and here). We hadn't seen them in such a long time! It was awesome to be with them again. It's weird how you get so adept to staying in your own area that it seems like such a crazy outing to go across the island (they live in town -- about a mile from Waikiki beach).
Here, Donovin is showing off one of his power stances in the middle of an epic toddler dance to looping music coming from the keyboard behind him (it was "looping" because he kept turning it back on after it had finally stopped haha).

Thanks David and Mandy for letting us take over your living room and feeding us amazing things! We love you guys :) Let's do it again soon, okay? Cool.

3. Like I mentioned in our anniversary post, we hadn't been to a beach in weeks because of work schedules. So, I kind of made up for it (if you can) by going to the beach almost every day this week. Even if it was just for a half hour I made the trip. It was beautiful and lovely and all the good words. This is from Waikiki the night we stayed at the Richardson's. It was a beautiful sunset.

4.  Yoga at the beach is such an awesome experience as long as I'm alone. I don't like when people are there because I feel like I'm either ruining their experience because it's hard not to look at someone while they practice yoga, or I'm ruining my experience by doing poses that are the most discrete. Rough life, I know. It really is a struggle for me though. 

I really was completely alone here. Excepting the two surfers that paddled out to the furthest break (they were like specs), I was not in human contact for hours. Plus, it's a beautiful beach with plenty of cute birds. To spread the icing all over this delicious dessert of a day, I fell asleep in corpse pose next to this patch of grass/weeds. (Glen wasn't here because he teaches all day on Thursdays)

5. I had a conversation with a friend about many things yesterday, but also about just one. We talked about girls, marriage, the temple, remembrance, righteousness; we got a little deep because a lot of the time it's necessary and we're too afraid of drowning to even start it. Even with all of the topics we touched on, we were talking wholly about what he should be doing. It's different for all of us, but we all end up at the same place even though we take our own path. It was a really good conversation and I'm glad I started it.

Hope this next week is even better than this past one.

Aloha Friday!

Mormon Monday: Positivity

The campaign is over and we didn't win. It was an amazing learning experience for me, not only about that strange political world, but about my limits. I think we all tend to think less of ourselves than is necessary. Humility is one thing, negativity is another. I usually think of myself as a slightly capable person; I mean, my extremities work and all of my senses work as far as I'm aware. 

Glen and I had a very serious conversation about this the other night when I was sort of breaking down from the need for sleep. You know what I'm talking about... it was intense and I probably forgot half of it within seconds, yeah. 

He was chastising me for spending so much time on the campaign (it was the final days and the monthly monster was abounding within me, you feel me?) and I was failing to defend my non-existent points because he was right and I knew it. After a bit, I finally just blurted out that all I have to offer is a body to do work; go further than that and you don't find much value. So, I need to be there to do whatever menial tasks necessary because that is all I can give (talk about a pity party).

Honestly, I felt this way in a moment of weakness and Glen felt my sincerity. He held me close and told me all the things I needed. The most remarkable thing about this is that I believed him and continue to. It is no miracle that he whispers wonderful things to me; he's a great husband, but my ability to take the compliments in and accept that his words have feelings and truth attached to them is always a struggle.

The spirit of God is the only explanation I have of how Glen was able to tell me that I meant so much more than a body in the crowd and have me believe it. The words of others can come off as ambiguous, sarcastic, straight up lies; especially when they're directed at you. We tend (at least I do) to trust that no one can be trusted. This kind of philosophy, while oftentimes very useful, is damaging to relationships especially in marriage. Trusting your spouse is crucial to having an open, unified life together. When your spouse (or friend, family member, loved one, etc.) speaks to you and the first thing you think is if they're telling the truth, there are some serious flaws in that thought process. You are establishing a relationship based on a principle (if you can call it a principle) of guilty before proven innocent. If a known murderer gets to go through a trial seen as innocent before proven guilty, who is more deserving of that same kind of treatment than your spouse? 

The spirit lets us feel words, the truth of them. I am so grateful for the late night conversations we have and that I can trust my husband enough to be open with him. It is a blessing I cherish now more than ever (because I trust him now more than ever).

Curry & Commemoration

Glen likes to take pictures of me. I like to watch him take pictures of me. I know it's super cheesy, but whatever. My boss' wife (who is so extremely sweet I can barely handle the thought of leaving HI because of it) told me on the way home from town that when Glen is around, my face changes. She can see my love for him and I love that.

We went to watch one of the first swells of the winter season for a lunch date. It was the first time we had been to a beach in weeks; being busy is lame.

In Glen's hand is the remains of what was once an incredible meal. We went to the Fiji Kitchen for some curry love and got it. We went not knowing what to get because everyone said everything was good. My initial reaction to that was get the cheapest thing because duh. We spoke with the lady there about which we should get and she didn't give us any useful advice other than it just depends on our own preference. So, the menu had to make our decision for us.
We ended up with the vegetable curry, which changes with whatever they have that day. It just so happened to be pumpkin and Glen was stoked on it. I went along with his excitement because when Glen gets going he's too cute to say no to haha. I was so glad I went along with it and that it was actually tasty. It also helped that we were extremely hungry.

So, it's been five years as a Gray. Even though I didn't change my name for a year or two. It was just too hard to find the stupid S.S. office and wait in that dreaded line. When I finally looked up where it was on Google which took like three agonizing minutes, drove over there in five spiteful more, and waited behind the only other person in line, I almost just gave up. Isn't it funny how many things are super annoying and take forever until you just do them? That happens to me too much. I should change it somehow... but that's going to take like years of discipline and will probably not be worth it in the end. Get it?

Here is the first thing I think of when I think of each year:

2009-2010: Working together in group homes for mentally challenged adults; learning to serve others above ourselves. I'm sure it helped us give more of ourselves and that is why we are happy and have grown closer in marriage.
2010-2011: Going to Disneyland every week for date night. If you can believe it, we love Disneyland more each time we go. It was our first date and continues to make memories in our marriage. Three of the photos below are actually from the happiest place on earth.
2011-2012: Calling Hawai'i home was never something we expected, but hoped for. For Glen, it was a chance to reunite with his island fever haha. The Marshallese own part of Glen's heart and I love it. For me, it was a chance to get tan again. That and like connecting with roots or whatever.
2012-2013: Really feeling like I was myself again. Maybe this is something to talk about in more lengthy terms and in a different circumstance, but it is what I think of. It brought Glen and I even closer and made our relationship truly flourish. Not to say that we were at all unhappy or having "problems," but happiness is a spectrum, which we are topping off since. It was an internal struggle that we dealt with together, which allowed my trust in Glen to become unshakeable.
2013-2014: I honestly have a million things that reel through my mind because it has truly been the best year so far. I expect each new year to be this way because it has always happened. I'm so grateful for a man of God that has always encouraged me to fill my life with what makes me happy. I could never be this happy alone and that is the true beauty of marriage.

But honestly, who wouldn't be happy in love in a beautiful environment? Here's to another year.

Aloha

High Five for Friday: Death on Two Legs

Can I just sleep the rest of this year? Just until Thanksgiving? Yeah, I know, hibernation isn't a human thing. Honestly though, this campaign is going to kill someone. This is the finale, folks. The last week has hit like a twister in June and it is ugly. But it also means that this is almost over; voting ends Tuesday and it is high time my reading hobby kicked back in.

To the end of this week and the beginning of the end, here are my high-fives from this week:

1. My boss and his wife are hilarious, kind, generous, on-the-go people. They have maybe gotten five hours of sleep since August; I'm pretty sure they have chronic delirium at this point too, which really just works for me. I love and will miss them dearly come this December's departure.

2. We recently discovered the amazing taste of the Country Burger at Seven Brothers and will never turn back on it. It's the vegetarian option and is heavenly. The amount of avocado on it is illegal in Arkansas (not only because it's a huge amount, but because Arkansas is an idiot). We ate it three times this week.

3. Glen had some gross really neat experiences at the ER this week, which I'm hoping he'll start posting about soon so we don't forget them #hintnudgewink

4. We went to Fiji Market earlier today for lunch and got the pumpkin curry plate. So tasty! We took it to T-Bay and watched the waves because nothing. You don't need a reason to do that. It was my first time at a beach in two weeks. This campaign really needs to be done.

5. We just bought ice cream like two minutes ago. Super Fudge Brownie -- whatchoo know 'bout dat?

Oh, and Happy Halloween everybody + happy birthday to A.J./Uncle Herb tomorrow :) Love you both mucho.

Aloha Friday.

High Five for Friday: My Glen

This is a very special Aloha Friday, one that came with haste because of our busier schedules these days. And while today is a HF4F post, it's a bit different because today is.

Glen has been and ever will be my best friend, my companion, my happiness. He has been in my life for a long time, I'm not sure anyone knows the real answer to that, but we'll go with our usual one -- we have known each other since he was 12. He has always laughed, joked, and been goofy; I think and I hope to the heavens that those things will never stop and that I will always cherish them.

This Friday is special because today is Glen's birthday. Not only that, but the last time his birthday was on a Friday was the first time I gave him a birthday present. He was out on a group date all day, which translated into a Harry Potter marathon for me because my brother went on that date too. They were pretty much the only people I hung out with at the time. When quoting line-for-line became a little too embarrassing (only for the lack of audience), I decided to make Glen a present.
I ended up drawing a picture of us from a night he had worn his fake moustache to institute and we went home afterwards and took silly photos together. It was my "I like-like you" gift; so adorable I can hardly stand it.
So, obviously that date didn't lead to anything because I'm Mrs. Gray. Did the drawing tip him over the edge? Probably not. Did I give him an awesome 'like-like you' gift, duh.
And even though we can't find that drawing any longer and the fake moustache was mysteriously thrown away lost in the space-time continuum, I know that it doesn't matter. We are happy, healthy, in love, and filled with hope for our tomorrow. He gives my lungs breath and my smile meaning; there is no denying it.

With that super sappy introduction, here's some more in the form of high fives:

1. Glen always supports me, no matter the cost or time or effort. He is the spark that lights the fire of my hopes and dreams. I would have never finished college without him encouraging me and pushing me to go for it.

2. Glen is science to me. I don't foresee that changing. I am not really sure why I like this so much yet. It's just awesome that we're so not alike in that way, I suppose. He tells me how things work and I tell him Harry Potter facts. It's fun.

3. Glen has some serious brain activity going on. At first I thought it was annoying how he could get an A with D effort when I was teetering on B/B- with word-for-word lecture notes. As time went on and we moved into major classes, we stopped taking academic courses together and my jealousy subsided. Now, I appreciate the fact that he was free to help me or just spend time with me during what would have been hectic semesters for any normal-brained human.It made our experience in Hawai'i sweeter.

4. Glen is a man of service. On his birthday (today), we woke up early so I could drop him off at the hospital to volunteer in the ER. We have some down time right now, relaxing and making our Halloween costumes together, and in a little bit we'll go over to the temple to volunteer there until night falls and the day is over.

5. Glen loves me. Like a ton. He is forever trying to make me happy and my days brighter. There is no greater high five than love from my husband.

Aloha Friday and the happiest of birthdays to my Glen.

Mormon Monday: Jalapeño Hands

Everyone already knows this, but let's just explicitly state that I'm a Mormon. It says so in my side panel thing - if you click on it, it takes you to a page where I talk about my experiences and what I believe as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Anyway, I did that a while ago and while that's good or whatever, I've been feeling like it isn't enough.

In the Church, we've been counselled to be more open about our lives in social media. Those outside of our religion think we're super weird... which is totally true. There are drive-through coffee shops, entire valleys devoted to wine, more R-rated movies in the listings than not, and we're all over here in this little corner of reality passing around the jell-o and watching The Simpson's when the parents are on their date night. So, yeah, I'm different than most people on this Earth because I try to be a faithful LDS.

Here's a story I shared in church today:

On Saturday, we were helping out my boss  with making food for this farewell party for someone that works for them. The menu called for Cafe Rio's pork and house dressing. Beautiful choice. I was hard at work with the dressing when it came time for the jalapeño to be added to the ingredients in the blender. I was unsure of how good the blender would perform so I decided to break each piece in half again just to be sure. I felt a little spritz each time I broke one in half. The first time it happened, I thought that it probably wasn't a great idea to be getting that stuff all over my hands. I waited a little to see if my hands would start burning and they didn't; I continued. When I tasted the dressing from the blender cap afterwards it was so spicy! Glen tried it and didn't get much spice so I thought mine must have been a fluke.
A little while later, we were leaving because the regular help came and my hands started burning were on FIRE! We planned to head to the beach, but I needed help. We thought about going anyway because there's probably nothing we could really do about it, but decided to consult Google (neither of us have smart phones; read: homeward bound). We stopped at Foodland for milk and eggs -- staples in our diet -- and by the time we were leaving, I couldn't even feel the milk in my hands.
Google said a lot of things that did not work, worked. I was consigning myself to amputation at this point. Alcohol was one of those things, but Glen decided soaking would probably be best. We were pretty low on our Isopropyl, so we turned to vanilla extract.
One thing you must understand is that I am an avid throw away-er. Things that have no purpose, not enough sentiment, anything that I deem throw away-able -- goners. We received this vanilla bottle from some friends leaving the island. We used it once and decided we didn't like the flavor, so it went in the cupboard I least look in. If it had been put in any other place, it would have been trash a year ago. Let me tell you, that stupid, huge bottle of vanilla saved me from a life of handless-ness. I hated that vanilla... it smelled like bubbles too (What the weird?), but it saved me in the end.
Lesson learned: you may feel like that bottle of vanilla sometimes; forgotten, useless, maybe smelly too. You may feel that your life has been spent sitting on the shelf with no worth and that you should just be thrown away. I testify that you, just like that bottle of little worth ended up saving my hands, can save yourself and others by serving. Be the hands that care, the words that uplift, the steps that otherwise could or would not be tread. There is no greater joy than to answer the call of a loving Heavenly Father to help one of His children in need. Whether that be to bear and raise a child, grab the blender on a too-high shelf, or be a friend, service will keep your life worth living.
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

I might even keep the rest of the bottle (it's that huge) because it was so nice to me. We'll see.

What being LDS does and doesn't mean is really tough to answer because there will always be more questions that spring from the words I put here than answers given. What will be here every Monday is a portion of my testimony that I feel should be shared. It may not be for you (it may not even be for me sometimes), but I know that I want my posterity to have the opportunity to know my testimony. And that's enough.

Anyway, this is me letting even more of my weirdness shine for all eight of you to see. Joyous, joyous.

Aloha

Thoughts on Words

When I get stressed, I come here. To this place of blank, open space. Where nothing really needs to get done and no one's searching for me. I love this place; it is where I am honest and true to myself -- writing in words I don't speak because of timidness or fear. I used to say what I pleased and do whatever came along, but now all of that stuff seems distant. There are times, albeit far apart and few, where I let go of my words and emotions on an unsuspecting passer-by or crowd. It feels good in the moment and usually fades into quiet remorse.

I think some people would still say I am upfront or blunt or whatever you want to call it, but comparing myself from years passed, I have become quite reserved. Through circumstances which won't be spread across these pages (at least not for now), my leaps have become tip-toes, my demeanor has become sunken, my personality has become suppressed. Excepting my husband and the rare moments I catch myself in unflinching courage of public speech or acts, there is possibly no one I've met since the change who would return the correct answer to how I formerly lived. It is amazing that in a few short years, one person could change into a complete stranger to a former self. It's also completely crazy because it seems like yesterday and forever ago all at the same time.

In a conversation with close friends earlier this year, we were each, in turn, giving one-word personality descriptors of people we were all familiar with -- including one another. It came time for Zach to give one word about me. His first response was one that I felt flattered by, but mostly suspicious of his true thoughts -- "Obedient." His secondary answer (we cheated a lot on the 'one-word' thing) was "to the point" (again with the cheating). He gave explanation of an experience he had in listening to me talk about going to meet someone to sell something to a student. The story's not important really (mainly because I don't remember it), but I distinctly remember feeling that Zach truly knew my personality at that point, or at least part of it. It was an extremely enriching experience for my relationship with not only him, but his family -- wife, Sarah and son, Sawyer. I have trouble with expressing that sort of thing and so they don't know this, but writing enables me to feel comfortable with it and that is how I know it is essential to us all.

People get each other wrong more often than we would like to think we're capable of. The driver who cut it a little too close, the stranger staring from across the room, the group in the corner sniggering and stealing glances; many of these types of situations pass through my mind in the dimmest of lights. Always guilty until proven innocent. Why can't that driver have an emergency to merit cutting me off? Why can't that stranger just be hoping for someone to confide in, but they haven't got courage enough to spit it out? Why can't that group be sniggering at the television screen behind me?
It's because I have issues -- far-reaching types of issues. I am the problem; I look at others as if they live in my world. Which they do... but I live in their world too. We all are here, we all need to get places, tell our stories, laugh it off and get sent back to the earth from which our first parents were formed. If we would just sit down and think of the possible problems, anxieties and troubles of others, we would be happier through it. Anger would not so easily beset us because of perspective. The written word gives extreme perspective! Writing about whatever comes like I'm doing now or about specific experiences -- good and bad. There are times when I think my writing has no influence and, therefore, it's good for nothing. But that thought is always overtaken by the truth: the influence may or may not be reaching to others, but it is reaching to me -- to my issues and fears and weaknesses. And I am worth the effort; we all are.

Writing helps me express feelings; things that my words have a hard time conveying. And so, if you too have a tendency to subdue thoughts, feelings, actions, or whatever it may be, I would try to convince you through my writing that it helps. You can feel at home with yourself through it.

I have tons of words written that no one but I can see. And even though most of what I write is not read by others, having it written is the key. It unlocks freedom from doubts, supposed inadequacies, traps set by enemies who would have me drown in thoughts of unworthiness, and from myself. Not that I am actively trying to bring myself down, but we all have the tendency to judge ourselves harshly.

Aloha to all.

High Five for Friday: Busy, Busy

Aloha! This week, a lot of things fell apart for me and my new job as an executive secretary to a campaign manager here in Hawai'i. Truthfully, it was agonizing to see so many different lines on my to-do list increase into pages of to-do's. It all culminated yesterday afternoon for about five hours. So, my week went extremely slow and super fast all at once. There was no time and too little time because I really just didn't want to deal with any of it and knew that I had to anyway.

Through it all, here are my five "high-fives" from the week that is thankfully behind me now:

1. We unintentionally saw the Blue Angels in Honolulu last Saturday! We were winding down our practice for the flash mob I've been coordinating/co-teaching in town and this crazy noise started shaking the building! That may be an exaggeration, but it was slightly terrifying. We all went outside after the initial fear subsided and gathered in the parking lot to wave stupidly because obviously they look for people in random parking lots squealing excitedly over the experience. Duh.

2. Almost all of that stuff that blew up in my face this week was solved by the sweet, sweet support and service of others! I love the willingness of others to help in times of need even when it costs them time, money and effort! It is extremely humbling to see the answers of prayers come so quickly -- even though it felt like ages while I was stewing in the mess.

3. Today, a flash mob for the campaign I'm working on occurred on the streets of Honolulu and I coordinated it... I couldn't decide whether to throw-up or laugh. Both will probably happen by the end of this freaking campaign and I mean that in the most loving way (I think).

4. I ate escargot today. For real, Glen and I both did. We attended a campaign fundraiser dinner because my boss and his wife couldn't make it and sent us in their stead. It was a fancy place... we're talking four dollar-signs on Yelp, Waikiki shoreline, no choice but valet kind of event. Anyway, we took one of everything, as you do, and this beautiful, dark, creamy hors d'oeuvre went into my mouth dripping in delicious sauce. I told Glen to eat one because it was good. A little while later, a waiter comes around offering escargot to people and I quickly said to myself that's disgusting and turned my back on him. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be that beautiful, dark, creamy thing I said was good minutes before. I almost threw up and then ate another one.

5. General Conference is this weekend!! That's kind of amazing, right? Half of an entire year has passed since Spring's gathering and I can't believe it yet. I'm sure it'll hit me when I'm 68, but until then, I'm peeing my pants because I don't have enough time to stop for a potty break. Ah.

Have a great General Conference weekend, I'll be making goodies, making Halloween decorations, composing emails, cleaning our apartment and doing laundry while observing because I don't have time to just do one thing. I'll probably make it to the end of this year, there are only a couple doubts :)

And this (again) is from The Lauren Elizabeth's blog.

A hui hou

High Five for Friday: The Beginning

"High Five for Friday" is from The Lauren Elizabeth. It's a really cute blog that I've followed for a while along with her sister's: The Small Things Blog. They're adorable and I'm not sure why I love them so much; I just do haha. It's kind of awkward to love someone I don't actually know... but also cool, I think. It may be that it's just creepy, I can't ever decide. Either way, it's not stopping.

Anyway, HF4F is a list of five things that you're grateful for, looking forward to, excited about, or whatever from the last week. It's a little reminder that what I have is good. It's easy to think there's nothing to be grateful for if you never look back to see it all and how it worked out. This is me trying to do better. And besides that, my weeks have seriously been flying by -- I feel like I need to take a couple seconds to reflect now and again.

1. We haven't been able to go hammocking ('ham mocking' is a suggested spelling correction for this... yeah, that too, I guess) for a while because something mysterious happened to the ropes it came with. Glen looked up what he could make to fix this problem and found whoopie slings! They're amazing and Glen's even more amazing for making them! After, he confessed to loving projects and I confessed to loving that (I think that's a classic category 5 resolution).

2. I successfully taught a ballroom full of people a dance that I was taught only two weeks ago. Mind you, the moves are simple and the music isn't too fast. Still, it's the small stuff and me overcoming my natural desire to go to the back of the room and teach the kids how to really play tag.

3. I started learning French again. I took a beginner's class at FCC like four years ago and I just never went anywhere with it after. I've felt annoyed with it because I've learned parts of several languages (Spanish, French, Marshallese, Hawaiian) and never waded through any of them long enough to actually get by. Hopefully I can change that soon.

4. Since I don't have a regular job, the day of the week is really a mystery to me until it's brought to my attention. I remembered it's Friday by myself this week though! That might not seem like it's worthy of being one of the five things and that might be true.

5. Every Friday night, we go to Seven Brothers to end our date night because I'm currently working for the owner (in a different capacity -- campaign, not restaurant) and he's Samoan. Which isn't obviously translated this way by much of the world, but means we get fed. Whenever, whatever we're doing -- you better believe food is either there or on its way no matter how full you say you are. I enjoy this unforeseen plus to my employment status change a few weeks ago.

And that's that. Life is weird, all the to-dos and forgotten stuff worry my brain almost constantly. I feel like this small list of remembrance of the good will encourage a larger change in my daily attitude.

I love life and sometimes I forget it; I hope this helps.

Aloha Friday!

Hulina Lani: Maunawili Trail

The longer we stay, the more friends we have to see leave; not that we have a ton to lose or anything, but that's probably what makes it harder. A lot of friendships are borne through adversity especially while in school (maybe that's why University sounds so much like adversity, I don't know. I'm no English scholar nor even an English student. My last English class was three years ago and I was horribly comma-happy then too. They're just too cute not to use, you know? What's the big deal grammar sheriffs of the world?). I've always had trouble with relationships... I seem to give too little of my time, my emotion, my life, my love. They never know how much they are appreciated or needed; I think it's because I have trouble relating to others out loud, I'd much rather be pen-pals that see each other regularly; write out all of my conversations with people. There's more time and less pressure for me to say the right thing at the right time. But that isn't actually realistic because I like being with people and why would anyone want to write out a conversation with me if talking is available? A plus would possibly be awesome forearm and hand muscles on one side. Maybe we could become ambidextrous from it! Calligraphy enthusiasts! So many possibilities! No takers? Yeah, my expectations were low -- all good.

So Glen's friends inevitably become my friends too (even if they don't want it; Glen's inclusive like that. Such a sweet man) because I never step up to the task. Ha. We met Sebastian through classes and the gym. He was is at the gym all day, this guy. Not really, but if you needed to talk to him and didn't know where he was... first reaction is to check the gym on campus. I know what you're probably thinking, "OMG! You're friends with a meat head, gross." But it totally isn't true with Sebass. For some reason he skipped over rule #3: be a total jerk to anyone with biceps smaller than their face; and also try to talk up your "sex-life" every chance you get. Sebass is awesome and an all around good guy...and is now in the single-game in Las Vegas, ladies. Put a ring on that. Haha. Just kidding kind of.

For our last outing, we went on a hike none of us were familiar with, the Maunawili Trail. It's a beautiful, 10-mile, A-B hike. Not much elevation gain because you start half way up the mountain off the Pali, which I was definitely into.

Science nerds talking about science nerd stuff. They really were. I love it, even when they're on break from school they bring up stuff that they had to study their brains out for the last couple of years. True love for a subject I abhor, that's beauty. Glen is also teaching everyone the art of washing your hair with 'awapuhi kuahiwi. We're trying to see if we can smuggle some to CA when we go home. It should be interesting.

There was a ton of fruit on this hike. The evidence is still on my sandals. Here, Shawn's up in the trees on the cliff's face along the trail picking guavas for us (you've met Shawn before here... and he's single too, just sayin'). The only problem with having fruit so readily available to you on a hike is the bladder situation. Fruit, I love. Relieving fluids on a trail, I don't love. But it's either relieve or suffer the wrath of a full bladder because we all know the fruit is being eaten.

Just so you know, it is a rare scene to behold my nails painted and without chips. #eighthwonderoftheworld

We turned back midway because we all had to get back to La'ie for different reasons and there was no car waiting for us at the end. We were supposed to have a switch of keys midway with a group that had started from the opposite end, but that didn't pan out. We could have done it with our car, but our brakes aren't really working right now. So we made the safe decision not to use it. It would have kind of ruined the whole 'hang out with Sebass one last time before he leaves' anyway.
Aren't we just amazing models? It's like we were born for it or something. It's so amazing. That's sarcasm.

And we topped her off with some manapua from 7-Eleven. And yes, I'm shoving two into my mouth simultaneously. Classic power move. Also, I'm pretty sure my grandma flew to Hawai'i and was stalking us in that black Honda behind me because that parking job has her name all over it.

And just so you know, I do have some friends. I don't want to make them feel ostracized if they read the top portion and thought to themselves, "Man, I thought we were friends!" Also, I love all Glen's friends even if you didn't accidentally become my friend too! No disrespect meant to anyone; it's just an observation I've made several times that I don't want to forget. Because when I do forget, it usually means I'm more susceptible to it happening again. So there's that.

We miss you Sebass! The gym isn't the same without you :)

Aloha 'oe

Hulina Lani: Pu'u O Kila

The friend that left this time was Jorey (you might recognize his name from when we helped him propose here to his now wife, Lauren). He has been reunited with his beautiful wife in Utah for about a week now and we miss them. Most of our friends are from Glen's classes (that whole thing about me not being good with friends... yeah) and I actually love it even though science ain't my thing. It's fun to see Glen be such an amazing friend to others. It gives me an example to fall short of follow. Jorey has spent many nights sitting on our couch talking about things over my head and eating freshly baked somethings because that's what I contribute to the conversation. Ha. 

This last outing with him was a hike in the heart of Kahana Valley. Kahana is a beautiful State park that is actually inhabited by families with ancestral ties to the valley. The people who live there now must have relation to those who inhabited the land before it was a State park. They don't get to just live there though, they must be willing to cultivate and foster the culture of traditional Hawai'i; it's called a living park for this reason. Glen and I have volunteered there a couple of times to help restore the fish pond in the bay and help in the lo'i (taro patches). They also have a gorgeous traditional Hawaiian garden where all of the plants are intermingled. There are no rows of papaya or banana trees; everything seems haphazardly placed, but the caretaker is keenly aware of their positioning. This form of farming not only sustains the health of the land, but produces more fruit per acre because plants are everywhere. Obviously, a machine cannot prune this garden and neither can a person without experience within it. I believe that if all of us would give more of our time and energy to be more self-reliant and responsible, this earth would benefit greatly from it. By no means am I an environmentalist in the extreme form that is used today, but I love this round planet.

On the afternoon we went to hike here, I thought it was extremely inappropriate for the children who were playing outside to be threatening our group just because we look white. As we walked passed them, they were shouting at us and calling the men names. The culture of Hawai'i and its people will never live on if we continue to discriminate based on outward appearance; it hurts me deeply whenever I hear or see this kind of behavior. 

Individuals are not characterized by their heritage or looks and we should especially not generalize characteristics within such bounds. One of my ancestors from Hawai'i was a murderer, so if we are to generalize based on his looks and ancestry, all Hawaiians are murderers and should be hanged. You might think that's an exaggeration and you're entitled to your opinion, but know that this is happening. Racism will not end until we can look at one another without judging based on historical acts or what we have heard. A person is a person, while we might inherit certain characteristics from being raised that cannot be seen in a glance or two. I cannot say that I am completely free of this kind of behavior, but if we could all just try a little harder to be kind and loving toward one another we could spread happiness like Coca-Cola commercials without the rotting teeth. I am surely not saying it is those kids who are to blame either, it is a culture throughout the world of racism and fear of differences. We all have the choice to be like everyone else or break free of idiotic traditions like racism. It is outrageous to see so many people discriminate against each other for not having the right skin color. If you think you're free of this, I beg you to search yourself again and often because it is not easy to uproot and will probably never stop being a struggle. And I'm not sorry for soap-boxing (mostly because a whopping two people will read this, but also because it's filled with truth. Okay, okay I'm done).

Pu'u O Kila

We started at the end of the main road through Kahana. There are many trails through this valley and it's easy to get lost on a different trail, pig trail, or just plain lost. I would suggest going with someone who has experience and is willing to lead the pack, Shawn was our pack leader even though he really didn't want to be the leader. 

The only river crossing is this and it is the remnant of an ancient aqueduct used to steer the rains from the mountains to the lo'i and gardens on the floor of the valley. We swam in this stream (except further along its bank) it after working in the lo'i because you just have to after working there. There's no way to explain the amount of mud that is embedded in your skin after a day in the lo'i. We opted out of swimming on this occasion because it was already pretty late in the day and we wanted to reach the valley again before night fall.

Despite the ease of losing your way, there are a surprising amount of signs and markers as you progress along the valley. The trail starts out easy enough, mostly level trail with a little elevation gain and loss, but nothing compared to what's coming. 

After you start the ascent, the valley continuously becomes more gorgeous. I don't know about you, but aerobic activities are not my strong suit especially when elevation is involved. Down is cake, but up is (I don't want to be dramatic, but...) like shoving a Brussels sprout muffin in my mouth while shaking pepper on my face. I hate sneezing. I don't need to say anything about the Brussels sprout thing because that's too obvious as it is.

The views were gorgeous and the conversation was heavily stunted by breathing (for me). As you reach the higher elevations of this hike, the trail becomes less trail-y and more walking on/through/in deathly sharp ferns. Glen swears they feel good and I swear he has the healing powers of Wolverine because I was bleeding from the beginning. There's a Geo-cache at the top that you can put your name in. It was getting dark and I don't do well with unstable-to-no-ground circumstances with full fledged sunlight, so most of us turned back to reach the valley before dusk (it was only another 15-20 minutes to the top, but I wasn't risking it). Glen and Jorey reached the top and put their names in the book, so if you're ever up there... their names are there with ya. And that's Shawn, our leader!

It was a great hike and we were happy to spend some of Jorey's last moments on the island with him. He came over for one last late night couch hangout with cookies and he was gone. We'll miss you, Jorey.

Aloha 'oe