CBIZ: Month One.

Let's be real for three moments, cool?

I didn't start my accounting career the last two years since graduating from BYUH because I was scared that I would never have time to be happy. I wanted to just be with my husband and have babies and feel the sun on my skin while still paying for medical school and the necessities of life for however many of us there would be. While I do believe this is possible for some people to accomplish, I wasn't making the necessary steps to accomplish this because I wasn't motivated.

I saw so many others in the little blurbs of their lives that FB or Instagram allows and couldn't understand how they were leading lives without strife and worry while I was not consolable in my isolated case of vulnerability. I felt that my life had been ruined along the pathway of life that I had chosen; I made a wrong turn away from that smooth road to richness of life and ended up in a tangle of weeds I could have plucked much earlier.

After about a year and a half of skirting around the issue with Glen, it happened. The talk, which was more like a sob fest, was long and hard to confess. I didn't want to disappoint him or anyone, but mostly him. I felt like I was in a bind of expectations to become a career-driven, CPA-getting, mothering woman. I used words in between tissues and sharp breaths and got out my feelings that had been building for years (because it started much sooner than graduation). I was accusatory and defensive; he was forgiving, gentle, kind, understanding and everything I hadn't anticipated in all of my lonely squandering. He told me things like I hadn't thought of before like, "you can quit in a week if you don't like it." He gave me confidence and control over my life again. For the first time in a fairly long time I felt free.

And taking a look at the mess through new eyes, I realized what I really was doing for me was a lot of nothing. There was no progression and no ceiling that was disallowing my success. I had let my fears of unhappiness and inability engulf my desires for helping my family progress. I started interviewing and received an offer for a tax associate position for the CPA firm I had always wanted from my time at BYUH. Even with all of the pushing from professors and classmates alike to get into the big four firms, I knew it didn't jive with my work ethic; not that I couldn't handle the pressure, but that it might consume my life because I have problems saying no to superiors in some boss/employee situations. [I don't know that this would have truly happened, but I am not going to allow myself the opportunity for that to happen again.]

With the encouragement of Glen, I was able to overcome my psychological blockages and have been working in the Irvine office of CBIZ for a month, today.

I don't know how long I'll continue working during or after Glen has graduated from med school, but it doesn't really matter either. I'm grateful for my job even though traffic and studying for the CPA exam blows. I'm actually still happy and that's a huge deal.

Aloha.

I Open at the Close

We landed last, last Saturday night and I almost threw up on the car ride home because we were not getting on a plane again next month to go back; good thing I hadn't eaten more than a package of Delta cookies and half of a Starbuck's blueberry scone that day. It has been a year since we were here last -- much has and much has refused to change. But let's reminisce on our last days spent on little O'ahu for the sake of... the sake (ref. not Professor X).

We should have taken it for a sign that we were supposed to leave when they hacked off another one of our coconut trees. Such a tragedy. It was hollow inside and could have caused severe injury if they hadn't, but it still seemed harsh. We're not there anymore so someone else can deal with burning the place to the ground for their misdeeds whatevs.

Gunstock ranch is some serious beauty. They have just got it going on -- especially at sunset. It's weird that our drive home won't have this view anymore.
We used to say that the country really isn't country anymore even though everyone says that about the North Shore still. And in reality, it isn't, just like we used to say... but the longer you live there, the more you feel like it is country. I mean, compared to town, it's crazy country for sure. Compared to actual country sides though, it isn't. It's this beautiful medium where you have to go an hour away for regularly priced (for HI) groceries and still have neighbors to laugh with/at while you walk up to your door. You get scenes like this one every day, but you can still circle island in a couple hours (traffic pending). We'll miss that.

Our last outing in our car was to the Billabong Pipe Masters; good choice, huh? The parking was horrendous, but the walk is beautiful anyway.

Even though we've seen this structure and others like it a billion times, I don't think it's possible to actually realize they build these things annually. Honestly, a three-story building for just a week or two of standing and then tear down? And then there's a completely different one that gets built a mile over for the next competition. Impossible.

Oh yeah, and these too.

On the way to the car, a hen and her wee chickadees were scavenging excitedly. Glen and I squatted down and drew the chicks nearer by tapping the ground (they naively think you've stumbled upon a heap of food so they come nearer; ha). The one in front was a brave little fella with almost no basic animal survival skills built in. It will learn quickly or will not get the chance to if you catch what I'm getting at. It'll die.

One of Glen's professors (Dr. Gold) is a beekeeper -- which means Glen is now intrigued with the idea that beekeeping can be a thing for us later... yeah, no. I'm fine if the bees are kept in a place far away from my place (wherever my place is at any one time). This was in Kahuku at some farms who've allowed the bee boxes of private owners.

He told us to wear things that make you look like dead plants; white being the least aggressive color to them. I wore my whitest cardigan and best running shoes. I stood on the edge of the truck bed to be as close to jumping down and running as possible because I wasn't chancing anything. I'm not specifically lucky in these types of situations. As it happens, I didn't get bee stings, but the mosquitoes took every opportunity on my ankles. Someday payback is coming to them and I hope I get to invoke it.

Staying far wasn't safe forever with Glen around. He brought one in the cab so enthusiastically I wasn't sure if he understood the beating coming to him or not. The bee (thankfully) turned out to be one of the queen's sex slaves, so it didn't have the ability to sting me. No, really; this guy's only purpose in life is to inseminate the queen. And there are more too. They get too big to fly for any meaningful distance so they literally can't get away. I'm not saying they want to, but who's to say? Glen was very happy about this whole experience; especially the part where we got a big jar of honey from Dr. Gold's house. Needless to say, it is an ongoing battle of the bees in our relationship. Thankfully, his mom is on my side.

So, to sum up... we love HI and HI can't do a thing about it. We're grateful to be in CA with family and friends again though! Christmas is tomorrow and I haven't been able to feel my toes in a week and a half. I think I'll survive 'til summer...

No bees.

Aloha Christmas Eve Wednesday and a happy birthday to Ashley McIntosh!!! Hope your birthday nap is filled with dreams of unicorns and platypi hugs.

High Five for Friday: Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving weekend! Our countdown has become real and scary to move home. We have a bunch of crap to sell/give away and Glen has an ever-heightening pile of papers to grade. I hope through everything though, we're able to spend time with friends and this beautiful place as much as possible just like this week.

Here are my five favorite things:

1. I met this guy on the beach and we had a moment after he sneezed himself awake. You know, if you really want to just get away from the beach crowds on a beautiful day on O'ahu, it isn't very hard at all. You just have to be the one who stays on the beach while it rains, or walk further than others are willing, or yell shark. That last one's usually not the preferred route.

2. On Monday night, our friend Rinki came over to teach us how to make chicken curry -- Northern India style. Her and her husband are from Calcutta and just moved here earlier this year for schooling. The curry was so delicious and we are so grateful for Rinki having enough patience for our billions of questions.

3. On Tuesday, we had our friends Amy and Josh come over to teach us how to make Thai food! Amy is half Thai and we are fully aware of our love for Thai food, so it really works out. We had four dishes: Pad Thai, Tom Kha Gai, Laab, and Chicken Sate. It was beautiful food and company. Thanks Amy and Josh!

4. Glen and his grapefruit.

5. Thanksgiving was a wonderful day filled with plenty of food. We have a full turkey left over; no joke, the whole thing was untouched because there was just too much food! We had our unofficial ward Thanksgiving on the lawn in front of our buildings and enjoyed the breezy day turn into a chilly night. And Glen was in a food coma on the grass with blankets covering him for a while after everyone started packing up.

Aloha Friday

Curry & Commemoration

Glen likes to take pictures of me. I like to watch him take pictures of me. I know it's super cheesy, but whatever. My boss' wife (who is so extremely sweet I can barely handle the thought of leaving HI because of it) told me on the way home from town that when Glen is around, my face changes. She can see my love for him and I love that.

We went to watch one of the first swells of the winter season for a lunch date. It was the first time we had been to a beach in weeks; being busy is lame.

In Glen's hand is the remains of what was once an incredible meal. We went to the Fiji Kitchen for some curry love and got it. We went not knowing what to get because everyone said everything was good. My initial reaction to that was get the cheapest thing because duh. We spoke with the lady there about which we should get and she didn't give us any useful advice other than it just depends on our own preference. So, the menu had to make our decision for us.
We ended up with the vegetable curry, which changes with whatever they have that day. It just so happened to be pumpkin and Glen was stoked on it. I went along with his excitement because when Glen gets going he's too cute to say no to haha. I was so glad I went along with it and that it was actually tasty. It also helped that we were extremely hungry.

So, it's been five years as a Gray. Even though I didn't change my name for a year or two. It was just too hard to find the stupid S.S. office and wait in that dreaded line. When I finally looked up where it was on Google which took like three agonizing minutes, drove over there in five spiteful more, and waited behind the only other person in line, I almost just gave up. Isn't it funny how many things are super annoying and take forever until you just do them? That happens to me too much. I should change it somehow... but that's going to take like years of discipline and will probably not be worth it in the end. Get it?

Here is the first thing I think of when I think of each year:

2009-2010: Working together in group homes for mentally challenged adults; learning to serve others above ourselves. I'm sure it helped us give more of ourselves and that is why we are happy and have grown closer in marriage.
2010-2011: Going to Disneyland every week for date night. If you can believe it, we love Disneyland more each time we go. It was our first date and continues to make memories in our marriage. Three of the photos below are actually from the happiest place on earth.
2011-2012: Calling Hawai'i home was never something we expected, but hoped for. For Glen, it was a chance to reunite with his island fever haha. The Marshallese own part of Glen's heart and I love it. For me, it was a chance to get tan again. That and like connecting with roots or whatever.
2012-2013: Really feeling like I was myself again. Maybe this is something to talk about in more lengthy terms and in a different circumstance, but it is what I think of. It brought Glen and I even closer and made our relationship truly flourish. Not to say that we were at all unhappy or having "problems," but happiness is a spectrum, which we are topping off since. It was an internal struggle that we dealt with together, which allowed my trust in Glen to become unshakeable.
2013-2014: I honestly have a million things that reel through my mind because it has truly been the best year so far. I expect each new year to be this way because it has always happened. I'm so grateful for a man of God that has always encouraged me to fill my life with what makes me happy. I could never be this happy alone and that is the true beauty of marriage.

But honestly, who wouldn't be happy in love in a beautiful environment? Here's to another year.

Aloha

Hulina Lani: Maunawili Trail

The longer we stay, the more friends we have to see leave; not that we have a ton to lose or anything, but that's probably what makes it harder. A lot of friendships are borne through adversity especially while in school (maybe that's why University sounds so much like adversity, I don't know. I'm no English scholar nor even an English student. My last English class was three years ago and I was horribly comma-happy then too. They're just too cute not to use, you know? What's the big deal grammar sheriffs of the world?). I've always had trouble with relationships... I seem to give too little of my time, my emotion, my life, my love. They never know how much they are appreciated or needed; I think it's because I have trouble relating to others out loud, I'd much rather be pen-pals that see each other regularly; write out all of my conversations with people. There's more time and less pressure for me to say the right thing at the right time. But that isn't actually realistic because I like being with people and why would anyone want to write out a conversation with me if talking is available? A plus would possibly be awesome forearm and hand muscles on one side. Maybe we could become ambidextrous from it! Calligraphy enthusiasts! So many possibilities! No takers? Yeah, my expectations were low -- all good.

So Glen's friends inevitably become my friends too (even if they don't want it; Glen's inclusive like that. Such a sweet man) because I never step up to the task. Ha. We met Sebastian through classes and the gym. He was is at the gym all day, this guy. Not really, but if you needed to talk to him and didn't know where he was... first reaction is to check the gym on campus. I know what you're probably thinking, "OMG! You're friends with a meat head, gross." But it totally isn't true with Sebass. For some reason he skipped over rule #3: be a total jerk to anyone with biceps smaller than their face; and also try to talk up your "sex-life" every chance you get. Sebass is awesome and an all around good guy...and is now in the single-game in Las Vegas, ladies. Put a ring on that. Haha. Just kidding kind of.

For our last outing, we went on a hike none of us were familiar with, the Maunawili Trail. It's a beautiful, 10-mile, A-B hike. Not much elevation gain because you start half way up the mountain off the Pali, which I was definitely into.

Science nerds talking about science nerd stuff. They really were. I love it, even when they're on break from school they bring up stuff that they had to study their brains out for the last couple of years. True love for a subject I abhor, that's beauty. Glen is also teaching everyone the art of washing your hair with 'awapuhi kuahiwi. We're trying to see if we can smuggle some to CA when we go home. It should be interesting.

There was a ton of fruit on this hike. The evidence is still on my sandals. Here, Shawn's up in the trees on the cliff's face along the trail picking guavas for us (you've met Shawn before here... and he's single too, just sayin'). The only problem with having fruit so readily available to you on a hike is the bladder situation. Fruit, I love. Relieving fluids on a trail, I don't love. But it's either relieve or suffer the wrath of a full bladder because we all know the fruit is being eaten.

Just so you know, it is a rare scene to behold my nails painted and without chips. #eighthwonderoftheworld

We turned back midway because we all had to get back to La'ie for different reasons and there was no car waiting for us at the end. We were supposed to have a switch of keys midway with a group that had started from the opposite end, but that didn't pan out. We could have done it with our car, but our brakes aren't really working right now. So we made the safe decision not to use it. It would have kind of ruined the whole 'hang out with Sebass one last time before he leaves' anyway.
Aren't we just amazing models? It's like we were born for it or something. It's so amazing. That's sarcasm.

And we topped her off with some manapua from 7-Eleven. And yes, I'm shoving two into my mouth simultaneously. Classic power move. Also, I'm pretty sure my grandma flew to Hawai'i and was stalking us in that black Honda behind me because that parking job has her name all over it.

And just so you know, I do have some friends. I don't want to make them feel ostracized if they read the top portion and thought to themselves, "Man, I thought we were friends!" Also, I love all Glen's friends even if you didn't accidentally become my friend too! No disrespect meant to anyone; it's just an observation I've made several times that I don't want to forget. Because when I do forget, it usually means I'm more susceptible to it happening again. So there's that.

We miss you Sebass! The gym isn't the same without you :)

Aloha 'oe

Kaimalielani and Her Mommy & Daddy

I mentioned in my post about starting Hulina Lani Hikes + Photography that Thomas and Sharolyn came to O'ahu for a family reunion. It was the tops. We had never met their sweet, sweet baby Kaimalielani and we were so happy to finalllllllly be rid of that ugly truth. She is, as they say, the stuff.

Okay, so babies don't normally gravitate to Glen at first. It may be due to his height or maybe his perfectly straight teeth. I am the human children like first out of the two of us probably because I'm short and have crooked teeth :) But can we just talk about how much Kai loved Glen right from the beginning? It was interesting to have Glen hold a child and never once whisper something like, "Oh, Breanna! You wanna hold her? Take her, she wants you." I was so proud of him haha. Truly, I was. Don't get me wrong, I love holding babies and being relatively good with them, but it was fun to see Glen love a baby so much simply because she was content in his embrace. It is a prime-time embrace. She was rarely away from his body, the cutest.

 If you haven't figured it out yet, we went to PCC in the afternoon and had an awesome time! Thomas and Sharolyn's nephew came along with us. He got a much needed chief tattoo from the Fiji village on his leg and one on his face from the Tahiti village. He was very proud of them, and rightfully so.

A group picture with the island of the long white cloud. We didn't get around to all of the activities in the villages, but the company was superb and the laughter was rampant. We love them!

Look at her! She is so adorable and relaxed. Her name is a beautiful description of not only her parents' happiness to receive her, but of her sweet personality. We can't wait to visit with her again in December.

On a lame note, one of the coconut trees in the courtyard of our apartment building suddenly died. It seriously went brown and then frond-less in a couple days. Such a sad experience. We woke to the sound of it crashing to the ground.
That was our main anchoring tree for slacking; not that we could anymore anyway (housing forbade us to do it because it was too dangerous...excuse me, but you have rust holes in your playground equipment, I'm pretty sure my piece of rope is safer than that crap), but it felt like a piece of my experiences here was being chain-sawed and hauled away to a dump. Lovely.

Just look at Kai's face again; if you're as annoyed at the last part as I am it makes you feel better about the world. We were so happy to have met her and reunited with Thomas and Sharolyn. And if you can believe it, Kai is even cuter in person.

Aloha