I was raised with my maternal grandparents as my guardians. All throughout my childhood, I suspected they didn't much care for each other because they never said kind words to each other or about each other -- never do I remember a time when they physically touched out of love. They slept in separate rooms, in fact.
My grandpa would go to work, come home and watch the game (whatever game was on). My grandma would yell, clean, and then yell some more. Both avid smokers and both pretty supportive of their children and grandchildren (and now, great-grandchildren).
Now, Grandma's on in-home hospice care and fighting for every breath she takes because of dumb COPD. This new down turn in her health has caused them to actually think about why they married in the first place -- love. Weird how death does that.
The other night, she was having a particularly hard time and Grandpa came in to just rub her back and hold her hand. It was the craziest thing I had ever seen. She would sit up and he would rub her back until she'd lay down and he'd hold her hand. It went on forever, or like twenty minutes.
Then a few nights later I saw Grandpa come into the living room where we were sitting and he bent down to touch her hand and say good night. All of my life, I had never seen such affection in a real marriage and especially by them. I mean, talk about PDA for them. Holding hands? Saying good night? BACK RUBS? Who are they? It was at this moment when I felt something I hadn't before either -- security. Knowing the people who raised me loved each other openly was self-assuring.
The first occurrence was weirder than cute for me, I felt like I had been transported to a different dimension. The second time though, was just perfect. Consistency, huh? I'm not sure of all the reasons for my sudden feeling of safety, but one of them was that I knew then that they could actually love. Growing up with little affection physically or verbally is teaching exclusively from the defense playbook. You block and shield your heart because if no one can ever get to it, no one can ever break it. But seeing them be affectionate and vulnerable with each other and all of this in front of others was absolutely surreal; there is no substitute for that in a marriage. Showing that you love your partner without question not only strengthens you and yours, but the lucky ones who get to witness it. I knew when he rubbed her back that he was capable of loving me; and when she didn't pull her hand away from his touch that she could love me too.
Glen and I have always been quite affectionate in private and sometimes in public. This experience with my grandparents has brought me to the absolute conclusion that the physical affection of our marriage has lasting effects not only for us personally, but can for the children we would like to raise someday.
That's all.
Aloha.
